Is it me or did this past week feel reminiscent of that long snake poop that keeps unraveling around the toilet, guaranteed to be followed by an arduous wiping process? Michael Friedland (https://www.elon.edu/e/law/faculty/directory/profile.html?user=sfriedland2) took us on a roller coaster through crim and evidence, but we’re still standing and pooping.

Weekly/Cumulative Total: 55/117. Nico was the high-shitter of the week.

Over/Under: 50. Result, OVER. Robert Rust III will have to rethink his inks this week as we crushed the over by 5 poops. Believe in the boys!

Individual Totals: As we now have 2 week’s worth of dump-data, the individual totals will include everyones’ cumulative total as well.

Nico: 16/33. Nico continues his massacre of any toilet bowl located in the Miami-Dade and Broward counties. He has strung together consecutive weeks as the high-shitter and owns the highest cumulative total to date. Bad idea to be a toilet around this guy.

Koffsky: 13/30. Koffsky came back to earth a bit this week, but still boasts an impressive turd-total. Rumor has it he will be working from home more this week, so we should expect to see a strong week as the PB&J will surely be flowing.

T: 14/27. T exudes consistency, both in his poop schedule and his weekly output. T is actually the only one to increase his poop total from week 1 to week 2. Impressive work here. Gets my day going when I wake up with a 6:23 AM “1” text.

Mitch: 12/27. Mitch was coined the nick name “Incubator” this week, and for good reason. You just don’t know how and when the poops are coming, but somehow by Sunday night it works out. He’s like Ben Roethlisberger – 3 quarters of stale football with punts and turnovers, but invariably ends up with over 300 yards, 2 tds, and a chance to win the game.

Week 1 is in the shitters and what a week it was. The time spent on the can was undoubtedly better than the time spent watching Dougie Moll on meth in the commercial paper and secured transactions lectures. The nerds at Barbri cast down a brutal week upon us, so I’m proud of everyones’ commitment to reporting. Now without further a doo-doo, let’s dive into the numbers and the stories behind them.

Weekly Total: 62. Nico and Koffsky tie for high-shitter of the week.

Over/Under: 67.5. The O/U was a shot in the dark this week. We actually came close to the line, but result? UNDER. Rumor has it the whitest man on earth, Robert Rust III, will be setting the O/U going forward.

Individual Totals: The individual totals for week 1 are as follows. Going forward there will be a weekly and cumulative individual total posted for everyone.

Nico: 17. Nico put up an impressive week 1. He finished off the week in insane fashion, dropping the lid on any foolish doubters out there. This man’s coffee intake could likely kill a small child, but we in the business of poops applaud the way Nico fuels his body. It would come as a surprise to me if he doesn’t reach 150 when it’s all said and done.

Koffsky: 17. Koffsky was consistent all week and shows promise as the most steady dumper in the field. This man’s high-fiber diet keeps the bowels on its toes, enabling Koffsky to produce at a high rate day in and day out. This kind of consistency is rare, and we couldn’t ask for more in a teammate.

T: 13. Let me start off by saying that I have never met anyone else in my life who poops as early in the morning as this guy right here. The dedication is second to none. T is our muscle. Channeling his inner bouncer days, he reminds us all that work doesn’t sleep…so when a poop calls at 6:00 AM, we should all strive to answer. Just like T.

Mitch: 15. Mitch got out of the gate with the rest of the team, but fell behind mid-week as diet and a day in the office contributed to a fierce back-up. Luckily, he pushed through it and his weekend comeback was reminiscent of a Drew Brees fourth quarter.